Usually when we think
about harming someone, visions of violence of some kind come
to mind. The fact is that much of the greatest damage we do
to each other is through angry words we exchange. What makes
matters worse is that we tend to do this to the people that
mean the most to us.
If you are walking down
the street and someone passing by laughs at the color of your
hair, or what you are wearing, you might be embarrassed for
a moment, but in the scope of things it really doesn't matter
much and is soon forgotten.
The reason for this
is largely about commitment and trust. When we have a long-term
relationship with someone, we share things about ourselves
that no one else knows. The deeper a relationship becomes,
the more trust grows. With each step, we share more intimate
personal knowledge. This is an important responsibility in
a relationship, as trust is the essential element in any relationship
that has a hope of being meaningful.
Commitment is not possible
without trust.
Taken to its extreme,
psychologists believe that the reason lovers and spouses have
pet names for each other and sometimes talk in "baby
talk" is that the trust has grown so great that the individuals
involved are willing to expose their inner child to a person
with whom they have this unquestioning relationship. While
the "inner child" concept has become a modern day
clich˜, we all know that the hurts and disappointments of
our childhood are never very far from the surface; no matter
how sophisticated we believe we are.
The fact is that there
is no one in the world who knows more about a person's hopes,
dreams, strengths and weaknesses than a loved one or trusted
friend. This is not a responsibility to be taken lightly.
Conflict is an inevitable
part of life. We are individuals and when we assert ourselves
we don't always agree with those around us. When we differ
about things and vigorously debate our point of view, this
can be a good and even mentally stimulating thing. Many great
ideas arise in this manner.
This issue is more about
HOW we express our differing opinions.
In a disagreement with
a boss or co-worker about a work related issue, the content
of the debate would be the problem at hand. Stating this in
a different way, the discussion would be about the thing,
not the people. Attacking some personal quality of a co-worker
during a discussion about how much inventory to keep on hand
would be considered unacceptable business behavior. If you
demonstrated this type of conduct very often you would soon
be unemployed.
When we argue with loved
ones, however, the scenario is often quite different. A mistake
that many of us make is to indeed attack the person instead
of sticking to the subject at hand. Worse yet, given the imitate
knowledge we have of this individual, we can, in anger, strike
at a persons most sensitive areas. This special knowledge
is the result of our privileged status as a trusted confidant.
As a result, this type
of personal attack is a terrible form of betrayal and an abuse
of the trust that the person has placed in us. Our cruel words
can hurt more than any physical attack and the resulting wounds
may take even longer to heal.
One
of the most satisfying human experiences is to build a loving,
trusting relationship with another person. If you are ever
walking through a park or in your town and see an elderly
couple sitting on a bench or walking together holding hands,
you are witnessing a small miracle.
These people have achieved
a level of relationship that most of us can only dream about.
Their trust and confidence in each other has stood the test
of time. There is a bond there that most of us can only imagine
and admire. That is the payoff for being worthy of someone's
trust
So, the next time you
are going to utter a harsh word to a loved one, or a friend,
pause for a second and think about what you are about to do.
What's in a word?
Much more than is immediately apparent.
